Newborn baby
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree,
when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
新生嬰兒
兩位退休老人坐在安養中心一棵大樹下的長凳上，其中一位對另一位說：「斯利姆，我83
歲了，現在我全身到處都會酸痛。我知道你的年齡和我相仿。你感覺怎麼？」
斯利姆說「我覺得就像一個新生嬰兒一樣。」
「真的嗎？像一個剛出生的嬰兒？」
「是的！沒有頭髮，沒有牙齒，我想我剛剛尿濕了我的褲子。」
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Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'
車庫大門
一個早上，老闆走進辦公室，並不知道褲子拉鍊沒拉上，他的褲襠是敞開的。
他的助理走過來跟他說：「今天早上離家時，你家車庫門關上了嗎？」
老闆回答她說：「他肯定車庫門已經關上了」，走進辦公室為這個問題感到納悶。
當他完成了批閱工作，突然發現他的褲襠是敞開的，馬上將拉鍊拉上，他才瞭解助理說的車庫門問題。
他到外面倒了一杯咖啡，走到她辦公桌前問道「當我的車庫門撇開的時候，你看到我的駿馬停在裡面嗎？」
她笑著說「沒有，沒看到。我只看到一輛老爺車與兩個洩了氣的輪胎」。
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Hearing aids
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
助聽器
一位長者，若干年來都有嚴重的聽力問題。他去看醫生，醫生為他安裝了一付助聽器，可以使他百分之百聽得清楚。
一個月後老先生來回診，醫生說：「你聽力非常棒了，再度恢復聽力，家人一定很高興吧。」
那位老先生回答說「噢！我考慮了三次，還是沒有告訴家人，我只是坐在那裡聽他們交談。」
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New restaurant
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
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一對老夫婦到另一對老夫婦家中共進晚餐，用完餐後，太太們離開桌子走進廚房。
兩位男士在那兒聊天，一個說「昨天晚上，我們去了一家新餐廳，真是棒極了，我慎重推荐給你們。」
另一名男子問「那餐廳叫什麼名字？」
那個人想了又想，最後說「你經常買給你愛人的花叫什麼名字來的？就是那種紅色的，有刺的那種。」
「你說的是 蘿絲(Rose玫瑰)嗎？」
「是的，就是這個」該名男子回答。
然後，他轉向廚房大叫「蘿絲！，昨晚我們去的餐廳叫什麼名字來的？」
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Patient discharged from hospital
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
病人出院
醫院規定，病人出院一定要坐輪椅。
當時我是一名學習護士負責照顧工作，我發現一位老先生已經穿好衣服坐在床上，行李箱在他腳下，他堅持不需要我幫忙他出院。
經過閒聊瞭解有關出院規則後，他不情願地讓我用輪椅推他進電梯。
在電梯下降時我問他「你的妻子會不會來接他你？」
「我不知道」他說「她仍然在樓上浴室，更換她醫院的袍子。」
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Ice cream and bacon and eggs
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks
' Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write itdown?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it ! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake !'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.' Where's my toast ? I know you forget it '
霜淇淋與培根蛋
一對超過90歲的老夫婦，都有記憶方面的問題。一次體檢，醫生告訴他們，身體都很好，為了幫助他們記憶，要開始將事情寫下來。
那天晚上看電視時，老先生從椅子上起來，
他問：「我要去廚房，妳想要點什麼嗎？」
「可以你給我一杯霜淇淋嗎？」
「當然可以。」
她說：「你不覺得應該寫下來嗎？，這樣你才能記住。」
「不用，我能記住。」
「好吧，霜淇淋上我還想加一些草莓。你還是寫下來吧！這樣才不會忘記」
他說：「這點我能記住，你要一碗草莓霜淇淋。」
「我還想加點奶油。還是寫下來吧，我敢肯定你會忘掉。」她說
他有點惱火說：「我不需要寫下來，我還記得住！草莓霜淇淋加奶油，我知道啦，老天爺！」
他慢條斯理走進廚房。大約經過20分鐘，老先生從廚房出來，遞給他老婆一盤培根蛋。
她看了盤子一下說：「我的吐司呢？我知道你忘了。」
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Get married
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope !'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope ! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
結婚
一位老先生對他
80歲的好友說：
「聽說你要結婚？」
「是的！」
「我認識她嗎？」
「不認識！」
「這女人她很漂亮？」
「不怎麼樣。」
「她燒得一手好菜？」
「不，燒得還可以。」
「她很有錢嗎？」
「沒有！她很窮。」
「喔！那她一定床上功夫很棒吧？」
「我不知道。」
「那在這個世界上，為什麼你想和她結婚呢？」
「因為她還能開車！
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Hearing aid
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
‘ Twelve thirty.’
助聽器
一名男子告訴他的鄰居「我花了4,000美元，剛買了新的助聽器，它是目前最進步的高科技產品，真是棒極了。」
「真的！」鄰居問道「“What kind is it ?”(是什麼樣子的？)」
「12 點 30分！」
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Hot mamma
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Dr. “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”'
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, “You've got a heart murmur; be careful.”'
辣妹
82歲的男子莫里斯，去看醫生檢查身體。
幾天後，醫生看到莫里斯在街上，挽著一位美麗的年輕女子。
又過了幾天，醫生跟莫里斯說「你真是很行！你覺得是嗎？」
莫里斯說「醫生！我都照著你的話去做，你不是說 “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” (找一個辣妹要儘情快樂)嗎？」
醫生「我沒那麼說，我是說 “You've got a heart murmur; be careful.” (你心臟有雜音，要小心)< body>
